You can't keep doing this to me

I can't keep letting you do this to me.

I can't complain, either. It's fun pretending the elephant in the room doesn't exist.

Until the aftermath, that is.

What am I are you are we am I [are we?] doing?

I didn't think it was possible, but I never missed you more than I did today do right now.

Make up your mind and stop fucking with mine, please. You know how much I love it.

And do it quick.

Even if I had the choice, I'd still love you regardless. I'm always gonna.

And it hurts to know that I'm gonna spend the rest of my life waiting for you to save me.

But I've come to the conclusion that as long as I know you're happy, I'd find my peace.

It's far too late for anything now. I know that. Maybe if things were different, maybe if I wasn't so scared... I could spend my life listing down all these maybes but it's not gonna change the fact that it's too late. And that this has always been a one-way thing.

We could still have had a chance, though. I remember. I remember every word you said, and every word I didn't say. I close my eyes and I still hear your voice. I remember how you sounded, your laugh, the way you tried to hide the tears. The fact that you were crying. You'll never know how much what happened means to me. It kept me going on for so long.

I can't let you go. Not yet. I don't know if I can ever let you go.

It's taking everything in me to pretend. Pretend I don't care, I don't feel, I don't wish for you.

I thought that if I lie enough I'd start believing myself, but  it's not working.
I'm just having more trouble believing myself.

The thought of you is still keeping me on.
But it kills me to know that you hardly ever think of me anymore.
Not that you did before.

I tried to push everything away again after what happened last.
But it just gets so overwhelming.
But never did I once think it was completely over.

I still don't sleep
I spend hours staring at ceilings, walls, floors, thinking of you.

Sometimes, when my phone rings
Or when I get a text message
My heart skips a little
Before I remember that you don't have my number
That you're not gonna call me.
That you probably don't want to talk to me.
Ever.

No one can ever replace you.
And I can't ever forget you
And my trying was pointless.
I just wish you thought the same.
I miss you.

whatswrongwithme?

whattheFUCKiswrongwithme??

I need you. So bad.

This is not enough.

Save me.

I wish my nails were sharp as blades. Knives. whatever.

Just sharp enough to draw blood when I drag them across my wrists. The scratching pain is not nearly enough. It disappears too fast.

Now's the perfect time to start back up again, actually. It's usually pretty cold out, so I can always wear a sweater to cover it up.

If I were a month I would be:
* september

If I were a day of the week I would
be:
* a lazy saturday

If I were a time of the day I would
be:
* 11:11.

If I were a planet I would be:
* pluto. idc if it's not a planet. i'd be pluto.

If I were a sea animal I would be:
* shamu. no. uhm, a jellyfish?i have no idea. ooh do penguins count? haha

If I were a direction I would be:
* forward, hopefully.

If I were a piece of furniture I would
be:
* a comfy couch

If I were a sin I would be:
* sloth.

If I were a drink I would be:
*perrier. or chai late. or a soy latte.

If I were a tree, I would be:
* bamboo.

If I were a bird, I would be?
* an eagle. duh.

If I were a flower/plant, I would be:
*a lily.

If I were a kind of weather, I would
be:
* the kind of weather that's kind of overcast. where there's a cool breeze and it's kind of really cloudy and you can only see streaks of sunlight her and there.

If I were a musical instrument, I
would be:
* a keytar. or an accordion. just because.

If i were an animal I would be:
* an eagle pa rin. hahha

If I were a color, I would be:
*pink. duh.

If I were an emotion, I would be:
* unreqited love. AS IF. uhm, nonchalance. is that an emotion? i'd be apathy or something. idk.

If I were a vegetable, I would be:
* baby carrots

If I were a sound, I would be:
*wonderwall by oasis

If I were an element, I would be:
*a noble gas. just because.

If I were a song, I would be:
* the background by 3EB or polaris by JEW. or wonderwall by oasis.

If I were a food, I would be:
* feta cheese

If I were a place, I would be:
* nowhere

If I were a taste, I would be:
* bittersweet? idk, like peach schnapps?

If I were a word, I would be:
* stupid.

If I were a body part I would be:
* idk like the liver or spleen or something.

If I were a subject in school I would
be:
* either math or creative writing. yay for extreme opposites.

If I were a shape I would be:
* dodecahedron.

If I were a number I would be:
* 0.999...

my nose would reach all the way to andromeda by now.

Do you remember the time we played the silliest party game?
We had to run around with an orange in between our foreheads
From the stage to the chair in the middle and back.
Where the winner would get that bottle of Absolut?
They made us play even though we weren't exactly talking.
For a minute or so, there we were,
holding on to each other
looking into each other's eyes,
the only thing between us was an orange.
While running around, you told me
How stupid you thought it was for them to think
That pairing us up would actually get us to make up.
And I was there, with you, taking it all in
Not being able to look away.

Remember when we found out we won?
It was all so fast,
At the same time the orange fell between us,
I felt your lips on mine
By the time the orange bounced on the soft grass,
We had broken apart.

I didn't know what to do
But you pulled me into a hug/
And just like a scene out of some cheesy movie, you whispered
"Their plan worked for me, you know"

We celebrated for a reason entirely different from vodka.

I would never lie to you no
I felt you long after we were through, we were through
The plans I make still have you in them
Cause you come swimming into view
And I'm hanging on your words
Like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly
I only feel for you

*sigh*
i miss you.

God, where are you???

If you're reading this, haven't I made it perfectly obvious that I need you yet? Are you that stupid? God.

But then again, you're probably not reading this. Because reading this would require you to even remotely care about me. And I'm pretty sure you don't. Because if you do, then I wouldn't be writing this, now would I?

Which brings me back to you. Gah.

You're the one thing that makes my nightmare bearable, you know that? When I think of you, and how maybe I'll dream about you instead of.. that, I actually fall asleep.

I want you for my birthday.
I'm still wasting my 11:11 wishes on you.

Just... i don't know. I just miss you, I guess. Whatever. Not like you're reading this (and on the off-chance you are, and you're thinking it could be you I'm talking about but you're not too sure... well it's you. I mean really, who else? I'm just too scared to actually put your name on here in case you might be reading this. So if you like talk to me and tell me you don't feel the same or something I can say that it isn't you. But one day when I'm over you, and I couldn't care less about what you think or how you feel, I'm putting up your name in all caps. In let's say... ten, fifteen years. Yeah that should be enough. Okay rambling. Shutting up now).

Current Music: Polaris/JEW